The pie must die!


You are evil pie!  You want me to have high blood sugar and an out of control BMI….

You will be punished… by my eating you promptly so I don’t have to look at your evilness!!!


*this is what sitting at a desk all day talking to yourself can do to a person, so watch out kids!!

Vagina envy

We are in the throes of potty training in our house. I’m glad to say that it’s going very well. Of course with all these naked butts bounding around the house questions are imminent. The twins have known for a while that they are different. Ellie is a girl like mom and Marcus is a boy like Papa and Austin. The burning question now is WHY. So we have discussed parts as nonchalantly as possible but some words are apparently hard to get a three year old tongue to say. When Marcus asked if I had a ‘peanut’ (again) this morning I calmly answered “No, girls have vaginas and boys have a penis.” To which he squealed “I want a giant eye!” I almost fell off my chair from laughing. I’m convinced now that the cell companies employ toddlers for their auto correct team.

Happy New Year and may you get your fair share of boobs?!

I just had an interesting conversation with my twins as I was getting them dressed for bedtime. Ellie pointed at her baby boobies and asked me what they were and I said that they were ‘boobs’. She then wanted to know if they were going to grow big like mine?! To which I replied ‘oh no! I hope not!’… of course she thought that my reaction was quite funny but then insisted that hers would indeed grow to be big ‘like Mom’s boobs!’ Lordy!

As if this was not enough Marcus got it on it. He asked me if his boobs would grow big like Momma’s and I said no, boy boobs don’t grow, they stay small. His reply was a despondent ‘aaawwww’…. as if to say that he did not think it was fair that Ellie should get boobs and he wouldn’t and he looked so serious and disappointed. Now what on the green Earth do you say to that!!! I used my standard response for when I am completed flabbergasted by my kids and scooped him up and gave him a big hug and kiss and tickled him until all discussion of boobs was forgotten.

So happy New Year everyone and I hope your first bewildering experience in 2013 is as interesting, funny or enriching as mine!

If You Ask Me…

I just finished reading

    If You Ask Me (And of Course You Won’t)

by incomparable Betty White. What a beautiful woman – inside and out! I really enjoyed reading her honest and poignant thoughts on life. This is a quick read folks, and delightful. If you can find an hour to spare I highly recommend it!

I love that she loves the stationery store, can’t throw out a book because it’s ‘against her religion’ and that she collects stuffed animals! Ha ha! These things make me feel like she’s a soul sister! I also love this quote from her Mom and believe it to be true:

Bets, you can lie to anyone in the world and even get away with it, perhaps, but when you are alone and look into your own eyes in the mirror, you can’t sidestep the truth. Always be sure you can meet those eyes directly. Otherwise, it’s big trouble, my girl.

[pg 7]

in the last chapter she addresses being older and how she views death. On page 258 she writes:

If you’ve ever lost a loved one, or witnessed it, you can’t help but see that the body is an envelope for the letter.

I love that. What a great attitude and what wonderful wisdom from a true American icon.

What do you get when…

…you watch way too much YoGabbaGabba with the kids then eat some bad fish that results in being up sick all night….

An open letter to DJ Lance Rock and Co.

There most certainly is not a party in my tummy tonight.

“Try it, you’ll like it.”

“I like fish, I like fish!”

Sage advice all, sir, but no…

Whilst my fish dinner at the eating seemed to be a delite to my palate… that fish turned it’s tail on me.

Some gangland violence in my stomach and a third-world uprising in my esophagus but most assuredly not a party in my tummy.

Perhaps I should have told the fish not to bite his friends!  Or maybe my lovely piece of fishy met up with the tiny ugly germs.  I’m sure the morning will reveal that swimmer’s true nature.

For now, I must consume yet more antacid in hopes of some small relief.

Good night to you sir.

Not too bad for 3AM brain-addled, stomach-cramping ramblings eh?

Parent Job Description

PARENT- Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!


 Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop


Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.


The rest of your life you…
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5..
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsi bilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.


Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.


None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


Get this!   You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

 Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do… or forward with love to anyone thinkin g of applying for the job.


Another episode of funny forwards…

Did you ever notice…

  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  • I don’t understand the  purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
    sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
  •  Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and  walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do  something like
    check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture  and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area  thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the  sidewalk.
  • I totally take back  all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  • The  letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.  This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will 
    never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
  • Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would 
    magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem?  There was no internet or message  boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are  soft.
  • There is a great need for sarcasm font.
  •  Sometimes,  I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly  realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw  it.
  •  I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up  wasting
    90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that  everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a  little
    bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still  the only one who really, really gets it.
  • How the hell are you  supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  • I would rather try to carry 10  plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my  groceries in.
  • I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • The only  time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a  text.
  • A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
  • Was learning cursive really necessary?
  • Lol has gone from meaning,  “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
  • I have a hard  time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  • Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a  Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
  • My brother’s Municipal  League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys  on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He  explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.”  Classy, bro.
  • Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I  hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
  • How many  times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile  because you still didn’t hear what they said?
  • Every time I have  to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will  undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
    idiot. Today I had  to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as  in…(10 second lapse)..ummm….Goonies”
  • What would happen if I  hired two private investigators to follow each other?
  • While  driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively  swerved to avoid it….thanks Mario Kart.
  • MapQuest really needs to  start their directions on #5.  Pretty sure I know how to get out of my  neighborhood.
  • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they  told you how the person died.
  • I find it hard to believe there are  actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the  water.
  • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  • I can’t remember the  last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  • Bad decisions make  good stories
  • Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find  out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning  who just got
    the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures?  Don’t mind if I do!
  • Is it just me or do high school girls get  sluttier & sluttier every year?
  • If Carmen San Diego and Waldo  ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely  invisible.
  • Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole  room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get  so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this  shouldn’t be a problem….
  • You never know when it will strike,  but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you  just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
  •  Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want  to have to restart my collection.
  • There’s no worse feeling than  that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your  chair back a little too far.
  • I’m always slightly terrified when I  exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten  page research paper that I
    swear I did not make any changes  to.
  • “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
  • I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but  will
    they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we  weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get  up and
    leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
  • I  hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?Damnit!),  but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
    goes to  voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  • I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  •  When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something  she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some  light
    internet stalking.
  • I like all of the music in my iTunes,  except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen  songs in my iTunes.
  • Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like  the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
  • As a driver I  hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter  what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
  •  Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still  not know what time it is.
  • It should probably be called  Unplanned Parenthood…
  • I keep some people’s phone numbers in my  phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  • I think  that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out  that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
    the fact  that I was not aware of my condition in college.
  • Even if I knew  your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
  • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys  in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my
    ass  everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about  1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
  • My 4-year old  son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran  over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
  • It really  pisses me off when I want to read a story on and the link takes  me to a video instead of text.
  • I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
  • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  • I  disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday  night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
  • The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
    someone at  the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and  then estimated that there must be at least four people
    eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.  There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
    before dinner.