Embrace the horror…

Sometimes you are not suited to something.  For instance, I doubt that I would make a very good doctor.  Even assuming I could get through medical school passing fair I don’t care for blood and gore, my personality isn’t chock full of empathy, in short, my bedside manner would suck and my attention span is such that I wouldn’t be able to stay with the task on hand.

You may love basketball.  You could spend hours practicing and trying to hone your skills.  You may have a real passion for the game.  But you may also be five foot nothing and a chubby white female.  No matter your great desire and your no-quit attitude you are unlikely to become a member of the WNBA.  BUT… you can support the local booster club.  You can be a team supporter and go to games and cheer.  You can focus that love in other ways.  When we redirect this way it’s usually looked on as being REALISTIC.

When someone realizes as a part of that natural progression from childhood to young adult to mature adult that they are not suited to a particular career and they instead steer themselves to something they are good at we applaud it as self-awareness.  We don’t call a mean-spirited spazmatron a quitter for not going into medicine.  So I wonder then, why are we so hard on people in other aspects of their life.

Let’s take another example.  I know several very happy, long-lived couples who have chosen for personal reasons not to have children.  (Incidentally they all do have pets.)  Why do they get viewed as ‘less than’ or ‘a bit strange’?  Perhaps they have the self-awareness to know they are suited to be parents.  Isn’t it a good thing if folks like that abstain from inflicting themselves on another human life; especially a life that would depend so heavily on them for so many years?  Don’t you suppose that folks ill-prepared for parenthood just might be the ones that end up with neglected or abused children?  Even if they try very hard to be good parents perhaps they simply don’t have the genetic makeup for it.  Why do we debase those folks?

I personally have become aware of something about myself.  And up to this point in my life I thought I was a failure and a quitter.  I thought I was doing something wrong, I thought I had fallen short somehow.  I realize now that it’s not true.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I am simply not suited to be in the role of wife\girlfriend.  I’m no damn good at it.  It doesn’t have anything to do with a lack of effort either.  I’m not a bad or immoral person.  In fact, I think I’m quite moral, kind-hearted, generous and loving.  But I don’t have the genetic make-up to be involved with another adult for whom I’ve no real connection outside of sating a need for companionship.  Certainly some of it could be marked up to poor matches.  But I don’t think that’s the whole story.  I see too many inequities in the male\female union.  I have a big problem with that and because I’m not an idiot I have a hard time letting it pass.  Do not misunderstand.  I am not suggesting that folks in blissfully happy relationships are simpering dimwits.  However, I may be subtly suggesting that at least within the realm of their partnership they are least overlooking much and at most lying their asses off about the bliss.

I spent years feeling like a catastrophe over my divorces and other failed relationships.  I thought I had let-down my kids, my family, myself, God and pretty much everyone.  I realize now that shit happens and life goes on.  Not only that, but I simply don’t fit well into that mold.  I am a good friend, mom, sister, daughter, aunt, teacher, worker…. But I suck at being a partner (and not in a good way).  I’ve come to terms with it.  I have decided to focus on all those other relationships and aspects of my life that bring me joy and allow me to give joy.  If we only get this one life why would you want spend one single minute struggling in a pit of despair?

Embrace the horror! Love your bad-self an always be who you are.  Unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.

Beam like the sun

“You cannot define yourself in reference to other external coordinates, you must define yourself internally with a relationship with a higher entity. Think of yourself as a manifestation of some higher “thing”, some higher frequency, this is the visible realization. And you know that because you can’t see atoms can you? You certainly can’t see the forces that hold atoms together. There in the micro quantum world [Richard], lie the answers to everything. we cant understand it with our logical rational minds, but we feel it, intuitively. get yourself in alignment with that stuff and you BEAM like the sun.” ~ Russel Brand, 2013

An entertainer and a politician.

Today in our world we lost two well-known women. An entertainer and a politician. I am dismayed to report that my Facebook feed was inundated with memes of the latter instead of images and quotes of the former. I think it’s a sad reflection on our society when a mousketeer is mourned more deeply than a Cold War leader and strong female role model. Of course, it might just be me… decide for yourself who made a bigger contribution to society. I am not saying one life is worth more than another or that you shouldn’t be saddened by both of these losses. I am just pointing out that focusing on the ‘bread and circus’ is what prevents us from seeing our politicians for what they really are and for holding them accountable. Politicians today are thrilled with where the focus lies because they know they can get away with murder while the majority of registered voters are glued to whatever tripe the entertainment industry distracts them with.

Annette Funicello

Baroness Margaret Thatcher

If You Ask Me…

I just finished reading

    If You Ask Me (And of Course You Won’t)

by incomparable Betty White. What a beautiful woman – inside and out! I really enjoyed reading her honest and poignant thoughts on life. This is a quick read folks, and delightful. If you can find an hour to spare I highly recommend it!

I love that she loves the stationery store, can’t throw out a book because it’s ‘against her religion’ and that she collects stuffed animals! Ha ha! These things make me feel like she’s a soul sister! I also love this quote from her Mom and believe it to be true:

Bets, you can lie to anyone in the world and even get away with it, perhaps, but when you are alone and look into your own eyes in the mirror, you can’t sidestep the truth. Always be sure you can meet those eyes directly. Otherwise, it’s big trouble, my girl.

[pg 7]

in the last chapter she addresses being older and how she views death. On page 258 she writes:

If you’ve ever lost a loved one, or witnessed it, you can’t help but see that the body is an envelope for the letter.

I love that. What a great attitude and what wonderful wisdom from a true American icon.

Think before you speak…

In the February issue of Whole Living the question was asked… What’s the best way to give criticism? There were three responses to the question. One from career coach, Jodi Glickman, author of Great on the Job; one from writing instructor, Marion Roach Smith, author of The Memoir Project; and one from a Buddhist, Mark Matousek, author of Ethical Wisdom.  All of the responses were helpful and insightful but I wanted to share Mark’s answer which I found to be my favorite…

Before offering criticism, consider your intentions. It’s easy for ulterior motives to color the feedback you give. How are you entering the conversation? With judgement? A desire to control? Are you hoping to intimidate–or to encourage? The Buddha said to ask yourself three questions before speaking: Is it true, is it necessary, and is it kind? [my emphasis] I interpret kindness in this case as constructiveness. If your heart is in the right place and you actually do want to shed light on something to help the other person grow or improve, then that’s the right reason. The truth can hurt–but sometimes the most wise, loving act is to let him feel the sting rather than avoid it. When you speak from a compassionate, non-attacking position, you’re on the right track. And the less it’s about you, the better. Lastly, realize that you can give the best, kindest feedback in the world and have it rejected. That’s OK. You give what you can, give it with love, and the rest is up to the recipient.

Matousek, Mark, Jodi Glickman, and Marion Roach Smith. “In Balance – Uncommon Wisdom / Insight Rountable – Everyone’s a Critic.” Whole Living Feb. 2012: 116. Print.
http://wholeliving.com

For more information on what Buddha was teaching investigate Right Speech in the Eight-fold Path.

Quotables…

To me it seems that to give happiness is a far nobler goal that to attain it: and that what we exist for is much more a matter of relations to others than a matter of individual progress: much more a matter of helping others to heaven than of getting there ourselves.
Lewis Carroll
 

I agree with this.  I think I do have an altruistic nature and I’m glad of it.  It sometimes gets me in trouble and\or I get taken advantage of but at least I can go to bed each night with a clear conscience and a feeling that I did something good.  I hope I can instill in my children a sense of pride in always wanting to help others without the expectaion of rewards; that it will be enough to know they’ve contributed to the happiness and betterment of their community.  I guess that kind of thinking flies inthe face of a capitalist society but then… I voted for the socialist…

http://www.whitehouse.gov/

http://www.barackobama.com/

things i truly believe #5

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. – Buddha