The pie must die!


You are evil pie!  You want me to have high blood sugar and an out of control BMI….

You will be punished… by my eating you promptly so I don’t have to look at your evilness!!!


*this is what sitting at a desk all day talking to yourself can do to a person, so watch out kids!!

Embrace the horror…

Sometimes you are not suited to something.  For instance, I doubt that I would make a very good doctor.  Even assuming I could get through medical school passing fair I don’t care for blood and gore, my personality isn’t chock full of empathy, in short, my bedside manner would suck and my attention span is such that I wouldn’t be able to stay with the task on hand.

You may love basketball.  You could spend hours practicing and trying to hone your skills.  You may have a real passion for the game.  But you may also be five foot nothing and a chubby white female.  No matter your great desire and your no-quit attitude you are unlikely to become a member of the WNBA.  BUT… you can support the local booster club.  You can be a team supporter and go to games and cheer.  You can focus that love in other ways.  When we redirect this way it’s usually looked on as being REALISTIC.

When someone realizes as a part of that natural progression from childhood to young adult to mature adult that they are not suited to a particular career and they instead steer themselves to something they are good at we applaud it as self-awareness.  We don’t call a mean-spirited spazmatron a quitter for not going into medicine.  So I wonder then, why are we so hard on people in other aspects of their life.

Let’s take another example.  I know several very happy, long-lived couples who have chosen for personal reasons not to have children.  (Incidentally they all do have pets.)  Why do they get viewed as ‘less than’ or ‘a bit strange’?  Perhaps they have the self-awareness to know they are suited to be parents.  Isn’t it a good thing if folks like that abstain from inflicting themselves on another human life; especially a life that would depend so heavily on them for so many years?  Don’t you suppose that folks ill-prepared for parenthood just might be the ones that end up with neglected or abused children?  Even if they try very hard to be good parents perhaps they simply don’t have the genetic makeup for it.  Why do we debase those folks?

I personally have become aware of something about myself.  And up to this point in my life I thought I was a failure and a quitter.  I thought I was doing something wrong, I thought I had fallen short somehow.  I realize now that it’s not true.  There is nothing wrong with me.  I am simply not suited to be in the role of wife\girlfriend.  I’m no damn good at it.  It doesn’t have anything to do with a lack of effort either.  I’m not a bad or immoral person.  In fact, I think I’m quite moral, kind-hearted, generous and loving.  But I don’t have the genetic make-up to be involved with another adult for whom I’ve no real connection outside of sating a need for companionship.  Certainly some of it could be marked up to poor matches.  But I don’t think that’s the whole story.  I see too many inequities in the male\female union.  I have a big problem with that and because I’m not an idiot I have a hard time letting it pass.  Do not misunderstand.  I am not suggesting that folks in blissfully happy relationships are simpering dimwits.  However, I may be subtly suggesting that at least within the realm of their partnership they are least overlooking much and at most lying their asses off about the bliss.

I spent years feeling like a catastrophe over my divorces and other failed relationships.  I thought I had let-down my kids, my family, myself, God and pretty much everyone.  I realize now that shit happens and life goes on.  Not only that, but I simply don’t fit well into that mold.  I am a good friend, mom, sister, daughter, aunt, teacher, worker…. But I suck at being a partner (and not in a good way).  I’ve come to terms with it.  I have decided to focus on all those other relationships and aspects of my life that bring me joy and allow me to give joy.  If we only get this one life why would you want spend one single minute struggling in a pit of despair?

Embrace the horror! Love your bad-self an always be who you are.  Unless you can be a unicorn, then always be a unicorn.

Happy Indepenence Day

In light of the current political culture I think it’s worth noting that today is celebrated to remind of us our hard fought freedoms and rights.

At the top of that list, clearly highlighted in our first amendment and one of the primary reasons our ancestors sailed into the unknown was to be free of religious persecution.

We came here to be a free people.  We drafted a Constitution that was designed to grant rights to our citizenry, not to remove them.  We have NEVER been a theocracy – that’s exactly what we sailed away from!  So when I hear people ranting about how granting rights to others some how infringes their own rights I am at a loss.  How does giving others rights take away from the rights that you already have??  The answer, IT DOESN’T.

The bottom line is this… our FREE country and its Constitution that we fought so hard to win protect ALL the citizens.  The rights we agreed upon as being duly granted to all people – like free speech, religion and the right to happiness are for ALL people not just some.  Your personal religious convictions simply do not play into that.  That same first amendment protects ALL religious beliefs, not just yours.

Just because Pagans, Gays, Women or other Minorities now have the same rights that you do does not mean your rights are lessened.  It simply means that we are FINALLY coming around to this notion that we started with from the beginning — ALL people have equal rights under the law.

This doesn’t in any way change your beliefs or morals or how you personally run your home or live your life.  Let’s be perfectly clear — if you don’t agree with homosexuality then don’t be with someone of the same sex.  If you think embryos have a right to life then don’t use birth control or get an abortion.  If you don’t believe in science fact then teach creationism to your children at home.

BUT what you do not get to do, what you NEVER get to do is tell me or anyone else how to live or what to believe, you do not get to tell anyone else who they can love or what they can do with their own bodies.  You do not get to reduce every grade school science classroom into a mythology class.

You mind your business and I’ll mind mine – we both follow the rule of law and everything will be fine.  Some people tend to forget that the ‘heathens’ came first; in the grand scheme of things Christianity and Islam, and yes I will single these out as they are the only ones spewing hate in my opinion, are relative newcomers to the world and they’ve brought more death and destruction than I could easily list.  No one on the other side of this argument is telling you how to live your life – we don’t care!  Extremism on either side will never (and should never) win out.  We just want what’s fair for everyone, and that is also what the Constitution strives to protect.  It’s exactly what we left England for 237 years ago.

You don’t have to agree with me but you also don’t get to claim offense or damage if I disagree with you.
Have a Happy and Safe Independence Day and in honor of this day treat everyone with respect and fairness today and everyday.

another sleepless night without you…

…not the Queensryche song (tho that is a good one)

I can just feel it in the bottom of my stomach that I won’t be sleeping well tonight. I’ve actually felt kind of down and like crying for a few days now. I get that way when I don’t quite know what to do or think about a situation. (Purposely being vague.) I know who the people are that I’d like to commisserate with and who of those I don’t want to be around. I know what it is I think I need and what it is I probably actually need. I know that I am already tired of being tired about being tired. So… what to do? I suppose I’ll do what I always do. In fact, the same thing I’ve been doing since I was a kid and nightmares kept me up. Though I won’t arrange the stuffed animals around me in a circle like an audience… yeah I don’t do that part anymore.  But I’m sure I will lay there either staring at the ceiling or with my face in the pillow talking myself to sleep.  Telling a little story of how if could or should or would be.  It doesn’t work so well as it used to.

What will it be then…. go back to the good old bad days when I used sit in some gawd-awful chat room until the wee hours?  Or stare at the ceiling and pray for peace??  Maybe I should have a poll and let me readers decide… lol.

Justice is dead

I can understand that the jury had a doubt; the rules of evidence won out for the defense in this case.  But c’mon, really?  I think at the very least the the abuse charge should’ve stuck.  As it stands she’ll be back on the streets a free woman by this time next week.  There is no justice for Caylee. It’s a sad day for the American justice system, imho.  I would say something like Casey will have to live with the guilt the rest of her life but I’ hate to say it folks… she’s a sociopath with no conscience.  She just got away with murder.  If you are one of those that think Casey was a victim and her non-guilty verdict was right on, I invite you to offer her a job watching your kids.

What about me at 38?

When I started this blog I intended it to be a public out-pouring of my thoughts, feelings, etc.  An online diary of sorts.  Of course an unused tool is a useless one and an unread book is tp.  So it turned into something else – sometimes insightful but more often a whole lotta nuthin’.  As old Bernie says… the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I just can’t go posting pages of someone’s name with little hearts and sparkles on it or my name as Mrs. Whatever a million times in fancy letters.  Well, technically I could but who wants to read that tripe!  So here’s a thinly veiled attempt at posting something in the vein of my original mal-intent… enjoy!

It’s been a tumultuous couple decades to say the least.  Too many proposals me thinks – there is (rather was) apparently something about me (or possibly in the water) back in my heyday that elicited premature and\or unfounded marriage proposals.  I accepted a handful.  Four made it to the license bureau; only two of those made it to the alter.  And those two didn’t really work out so I had to whack ‘em.  (Just kidding – but I should have, really.)  The last one is still hangin’ about but I wouldn’t lay odds on that ever coming to fruition… we’ve actually applied for a license twice in the last ten years but it never gets any further than that.  So, In a nutshell I’ve had more than my fair share of the men folk.  I’m done with that noise… they’re all your ladies – have at ‘em!

Four little monkeys jumping on the bed… wow!  To think that I adamantly adhered to a no kids no marriage policy in my high school family planning class!  I wasn’t going to have any kids, in fact, judging by the pile of SOF, Survival & Ninja magazines under my bed at age 16 the basic plan would have had me a top mercenary working for the likes of Blackwater by now!  Oh how the worm has turned!  Two teens and two toddlers!  You might think there’s a sea-change between them but I can tell you that the number one complaint on both fronts is perceived lack of attention from Mommy! Certainly they act out or respond differently to that ‘problem’ but the solution is the same – Momma gots to give’m some lovin’!  My near terrible-two twinnies would insist that an empty water cup in the night is paramount to tragedy and the teens are sure that Armageddon is upon us if we don’t have the latest, greatest, fill-in-the-blank.  At the end of the crisis, whether I fill a water cup or a head with common sense; I find all my chitlins to be resourceful, resilient and a true delight to me.  I love how they react to things at 2 or 14 or 17.  They remind me constantly of the wonder of things.  They make me remember that things really aren’t as complicated as ‘the man’ wants us to believe.

It certainly took a few reinventions of me which included long-distance moves, new jobs, going back to school (again and again), campaigning for the right – and the left, finding God, losing Him, and then finding Her again before I finally started to discover who I really am.  I have to say that my giving up my good friends, Jack, Jim & Jose back in 2005 was a true turning point. Unencumbered by that fog I found that I am much more than just someone’s wife\girlfriend, more than just Mom or Sister or Aunt or Daughter – I am me.  That quest of self-discovery is ongoing.

Recent history has wrought far too many losses.  Things that make a person not only contemplate their own mortality but that make you step back and take a dim view on humanity.  Your own humanity and place in this Earth but more so the inhumanity of others.  It is all-at-once, eye-opening, heart-breaking, frightening, damning.  It has the propensity to turn you into a recluse filled with paranoia and disgust for all things outside the realm of your control.  Not great if you were already an introverted control-freak.

One thing I’m sure of at 38 is that I am still not a ‘grown-up’.  What does that even mean?  I have the mortgage payment and the 9 to 5 and some kids and a cat.  I think I’m a socially responsible contributing member of society – does that make me an adult?  I know children who’ve contributed more of themselves, more to society, than I.  Who defines what this is? Or when?  Seriously… I’d rather act my shoe size…

What I’m not sure of is exactly who I am.  What’s my purpose on this crazy ride?  I’m still working that out.  I’m hopefully inspiring my kids to greatness on this grand adventure called life.  With any luck I’ll get at least another 50 years to hatch my grand scheme… whatever that is!

Dang… you thought I was done ranting, eh?? But no, I couldn’t sleep and this is what came out the end of my pen in the middle of the night…

Watch out!  ‘Cause here comes the cliché – Do you ever feel alone in a crowded room?  I do.  Sometimes I feel like the only conscious person in existence.  (Not meant to be arrogant.)  By conscious I mean to say that it seems that occasionally the incessant chatter and goings-ons around me are so mundane, materialistic, media-centric, rooted in the here and I-want-it-now type of machinations that I feel I just can’t relate.  I wonder at times if others ever have the same kinds of thoughts that I have.  Doesn’t anyone ever think there’s a marked lack of philosophy in the world at large?  That democracy has abandoned diplomacy and reason for money?  That fear-mongering media drivel pours from every glaring screen?  That religion has gone extreme making it limiting, vulgar and violent instead of loving and joyful?  Where is the open discourse leading to logical and fair conclusions?  Does anyone consider our pecking order in terms of the Universe?  Will Spaceship Earth soon be visited by our once benevolent overlords only so they can wipe the slate clean of their failed social experiment?  Don’t know where I was going with this…

Then the random thoughts creep in….

Why do you need a license to hunt, fish, drive, marry but not to have kids? 

Is the answer really 42?  What was the question again?

May the keepers of the written word have mercy on my soul because I can’t read my own sleep-deprived, brain-addled scribbling’s – let the transcription be comprehensible not reprehensible… Amen.

Tell me why Mister Leviticus???

IN the eleventh chapter of Leviticus, God tells us those animals which we are forbidden from eating as they are an “abomination” to do so…

  • Verse 4 – No camels
  • Verse 5 – No coneys (a translation of the Hebrew Bible word shaphan, in modern English “rock hyrax”)
  • Verse 6 – No hares
  • Verse 7 – No swine
  • Verse 8 – “Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcass shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.”
  • Verse 10 – “all that have not fins and scales… they shall be an abomination unto you” – so basically No shellfish (shrimp, crab, lobster, etc)
  • Verse 13 – No eagles, ossifrage (a kind of vulture) or ospray
  • Verse 14 – No vultures or kites (raptors)
  • Verse 15 – No ravens
  • Verse 16 – No owls, nighthawks, cuckoos, or hawks
  • Verse 17 – No little owls, or great owls or cormorants
  • Verse 18 – No swans, pelicans, or gier-eagles
  • Verse 19 – No storks, herons, lapwings, or bats
  • Verse 20 – “All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.”
  • Verse 29 – No weasels, mice or tortoises (I’m guessing turtles would be a no-no as well)
  • Verse 30 – No ferrets, chameleons, lizards, snails or moles
  • Verse 41 – “And every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earthshall be an abomination; it shall not be eaten.”
  • Verse 42 – “Whatsoever goeth upon the belly. and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet among all creeping things that creep upon the earth, them ye shall not eat, for they are an abomination.” – So basically no snakes, centipedes, millipedes – pretty much no bugs (except locusts which are deemed okay in verse 22).

It goes into detail in verses 30-40ish about how these “unclean” animals are not only to be avoided as food but that if they come in contact with or if their carcasses come in contact with anything then those things are basically contaminated and we are forbidden from them as well.

So you’re probably wondering… why do I care?  Well doesn’t this seem just a little bit over the top?  I know that I’m not going to give up bacon or shrimp to name a few favorites.  I mean, truthfully, I probably wouldn’t have eaten many of these animals anyway but I fail to see the reasoning for them being banned.  Further…. I point this out because of the hypocrisy.  This is the same book of the Bible that homophobic right-wingers like to quote from when they try to defend their anti-gay propaganda. (See Lev 18:22 or 20:13)

So, here is my question for the masses… why should we vehemently follow the “anti-gay” verses but not the ones about naughty tasty animals?  Or how about the versus dictating that “they shall not make baldness upon their head” (Lev 21:05) boy that would put a dent in some fundamentalist hair-dos (or lack therof).  How about Lev  19:28 which says “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you” – No tattoos!

I could go on – the entire book of Leviticus is a plethora of hypocrisy and unreasonable rules.  So why oh why??? Why would anyone trying to prove a point use this as ammunition?  I’m bewildered, befuddled… mystified!  (Guess I’m not a)dumb b)gullible c)fundamentalist enough to get it.)

Help celebrate a year of Domestic Partnership Protections in Wisconsin!

Remember folks… it’s not about gay rights — it’s about CIVIL EQUALITY!!

I think I’m gonna go have some bacon-wrapped shrimp while I think about a design for my 6th tattoo…

Dick Cheney rolls in his grave… too good (and true) not to share…

Weighing in on Health Care Reform

So my pals at the DNC called me today to help pay for their advertising up-tick to promote their health care reform bill and to negate all the evil coming from Emporer Limbaugh, Darth Hannity, Sith Witch Coulter and the rest of the Republic. While I do want to see a health care reform bill get passed this year, I am on the fence as to what it should look like. Why, you ask? Aren’t I a bra-burning liberal?? Well, yes, on most issues, especially social issues. But on this particular issue I have a very close-to-home conflict of interest. I work for one of the biggest insurance companies in the country.* 

So… depending on the bill that actually gets through, I could potentially be out of a job. And with 4 kids to feed I have to step back and really scrutinize what’s trying to be accomplished. That said, I would still like to see a national health care system but I think there should be a private offering as well. How would that work? Well, we have it in place already really. Medicare and Medical Assistance are available to seniors and families with children, respectively, when they don’t have the means to provide for their own health care. Now I think that these offerings would have to be tweaked a bit and made better overall but the base is there to start from. The big change would be opening those programs up to a bigger population with less restrictive requirements (i.e. income, age, family, etc).

Then leave the private insurance in place — they will have to become competitive financially and where benefits are concerned to keep the cash flowing. So, someone like me, with 4 kids, now has an option. I can stick with my private, employer-based insurance or I can opt-out and go with the federal insurance plan. Or maybe I can stay with my company’s insurance and just get pharmacy bennies from the fed since mine suck. Or any number of combinations of the two options that work fiscally and are best for the health of my family. I think that people in general want better health care, I think they also want choices. I think that our government can do both. So, as I told the nice gentleman from the DNC today… I won’t be donating until I see a better defined and what I think is a helpful plan put out to the public for review. So if they want my donation they will need to step it up a notch.

Interestingly enough, right after that phone call I saw the following message from Herb Kohl (D-WI):

Over the past several months, people in Washington have been working to carefully craft a health care reform package. Though progress has been steady, there are still several proposals in flux. Please be aware that neither the House nor the Senate has formulated one bill, and that no final decisions have been made about what will be included in health reform.

Most of us agree that reforming and improving our health care system is necessary, and we cannot afford to wait another 10 or 20 years until health care costs consume an even greater percentage of the economy and the budgets of American families.

Consider this: The United States spends $7,290 on health care per person, per year – while the average spent by the 30 most developed countries is $2,960. It is unacceptable that we have so much more of our money tied up in health care, yet we are not delivering demonstrably better health care than many of these countries. Studies show that the U.S. ranks below average on major health indicators, including infant mortality and life expectancy, when compared with the rest of the world.

We currently rank 44th in infant mortality and 30th in life expectancy, with the average American living to 78 years of age. By comparison, Japan spends $2,550 on health care per person each year – just over a third of what the U.S. spends – and boasts a life expectancy of 83 years.

There is no doubt that American health care is breaking the bank and making us less competitive in the world economy. Money that should be going to wage increases and helping to make our businesses more competitive is instead going to pay for increases in health care costs. This will not change until we get a handle on those costs.

Controlling costs is a goal we can all support in principle, especially when other countries have demonstrated that quality health care can be delivered at a much lower cost. We can start controlling costs by paying for value of care, not volume, and eliminating duplicative testing and over-treatment. If we can do that, then our health care system – and America’s patients – will be in better shape. We need to ensure that all health care systems provide better care in a more efficient way, and reward those systems that already do so, such as the ones we have in several locations in Wisconsin.

America’s health systems should expand the use of health information technology, which has been shown to save lives by reducing medical errors and save money by promoting efficiency in testing and communication. We can support the use of generic drugs and get generic equivalents on the market faster. And we can encourage Americans to engage in preventive care and healthy lifestyles.

Many of these money-saving ideas are not controversial. The fact is that there is a lot that we can all agree on. We agree that we need to expand coverage to most, if not all, Americans. We also agree that people should not be denied insurance because of pre-existing conditions. The principles we agree on far outnumber those on which we differ.

In addition to saving costs, health reform can do so much good for the average American. We want to limit your out-of-pocket expenses and co-pays. We want to make sure your coverage is not dropped just when you get sick and need it most. We want to eliminate caps on coverage, offer free preventive care and protect small businesses from the crushing costs of health care.

Despite all these positive changes that will benefit individual Americans, the debate surrounding health care threatens to get out of hand. False reports about what will be included in health care reform have taken on a life of their own. We need to strip away the rhetoric and dispel some of these rumors, many of which are meant to scare older Americans.

The most important thing for seniors to know is that health care reform will not diminish Medicare, the health care program those 65 and older have come to value. As we all know, Medicare provides older Americans with quality health care at a cost that is affordable.

Seniors are happy with Medicare. In fact, Medicare, a government-run program, boasts a satisfaction rate even higher than private insurance. The reform proposals to date are intended to strengthen Medicare, and will not make any significant changes to the way seniors receive their health care services.

As for the rumors out there about how health care will be drastically changed for the worse, you can rest assured: Health care reform will not limit choices, take away treatment options, ration care, eliminate private insurance, or tell you how or when to die. These things are not going to happen.

In the meantime, we hear you. We hear your needs and we hear your concerns. Your perspectives are invaluable, and we will continue to keep American families in mind as we work to complete a health reform package that starts to get costs under control, continues to provide high quality care, and begins to expand coverage to include most, if not all, Americans.

I tend to agree (he says it much better than I).  I especially like the part about the cost-benefit between America and other countries.  Really opens an eye.   The fact is, we are not going to lose choices, have reduced care or increased waits for care.  And while I don’t necessarily promote Michael Moore, Sicko made a few valid points; though I obviously don’t agree with him that all insurance companies should be abolished*.  If I can choose between putting $400+ per month into my company’s insurance plan or in taxes to a federal plan that probably has better benefits… well it seems like a no brainer, doesn’t it??

Anyhoo… that’s my two-cents. Thanks for listening, we now return you to your regularly scheduled program.


OH JOY!!  I’m over my mailbox limit and may not be able to send or receive e-mails until I clean up my mailbox!  What a perfect way to end what has been a, shall we say, less than perfect week!  I think I could sleep for a month… did you ever wonder why humans don’t hibernate?  Maybe we should… just a thought.