my opening statement

This is not the first thing that I have written to you nor do I intend it will be the last.  Recently, one of my favorite authors posted a blog about his writing to his son, you can read it here, it prompted me to try and spend some more time doing the same.

The tricky part here is always how or where to begin.  So I think tonight I will start with my eldest.

I know that right now you think that I am mad or unhappy with you.  Untrue.  You think that I didn’t enjoy having you and Fia here this summer.  Also, untrue.  I love you and Fia with all my heart and loved having you here.  Part of me wants you here always so I can take care of you.  But another part of me knows that you need to do your own thing now.  I worry about you a lot.  I don’t think some of your choices are the best – but I am making that determination from afar and with limited reliable data.  I hope that you and Fia are thriving and happy.  I hope that someday soon you’ll feel like you can come see me.   You will always be my little girl… no matter what you do or who you are with (or what I think of them).  Just don’t let anyone marginalize you or mistreat you or treat you like less than the beautiful girl that you are.  Remember, Moms’ always love their daughters come hell or high water.

To my middle child… you have a frustrating sense of humor that I don’t always get and consequently I react in all the wrong ways.  You remind me so much of my Dad or my brothers in some of the things that you say – it really makes me laugh and smile.  You remind me of my Grandpa sometimes when I look at you.  You and your baby brother have that image in common.  Sometimes it makes me want to cry.  I think a lot now about you going off to college, because I know you are smart enough to do it.  I think how I just don’t know how I will do without you here.  I’ve never told you this because I guess it was something that I didn’t want to admit or maybe that I thought would show weakness where I couldn’t afford it or maybe people would view it as selfish or wrong somehow.  But the truth is that for the last 15 years you have been my rock… my sticking point… my inspiration.  When I felt things were at their absolute worst you always brought me back from the brink.   I’m sure you never realized it but you always grounded me.  Maybe because it was only you and me in a sense… your Dad was never there and so you were 100% mine from day one and you gave me the unconditional love that I needed to keep going and I never had to share it with anyone.  I’m not doing a very good job of putting it into words; just know that you are my light. I hope that when you are off making your way in the world you’ll think to call your Mom once in a while.  I love you, Austina-ballerina.  Now clean your room! (-;

Now we come to my second life and double-trouble.  There are 12 years between you two and your big brother, whew!  I had started writing a book of how you came to be and it is half finished somewhere here on my computer.  Today though, my twin-kies, you are just three years old.  You fill the halls with laughter and nonsense and everyone needs that in their life.  I learned a lot about parenting from your brother and sister but not nearly enough to claim I have a clue.  You both surprise me every single day with things you do or say.

My Monkey, you are the master mimic right now.  And no matter how many times you do it, I will always laugh when you ask me if I am ‘ready to arm’.  You are an unstoppable force and some days I worry that if you bump your head in the same place one more time you will have a permanent bruise!  You tried to take your Gramma out with a hot wheel this summer… you’re definitely a little firecracker!  You are loving and kind and full of hugs and kisses.  And not unlike your big brother, when you think you’ve hit on something that gets a laugh you tend to repeat it a lot.  You are my precious little man and I love you.

My Princess you are the queen bee of the hive around here and frequently run your big brother ragged.  The other day you wanted something and I said I didn’t have the money and you informed me it was in my purse.  When I said I didn’t have enough you said that we needed to get some more then.  When I asked you where, you said to look in my pockets!  You have a little head wag and attitude and that defies me and makes me worry about what kind of trouble I have to look forward to.  You are smart and talkative – I love the way that you make up little stories when you are playing with your ponies and buffalos and other dolls.  You play along with my silly jokes on your ‘stinky’ brothers which is great.  You are a beauty who will break a million hearts and I love you!

That’s all for tonight.  I will try to make a habit of this so all the unsaid things get said.

I win!

First ‘official’ day back at in the cube.  Also the first day that the twins went to daycare.  Suprisingly I was only 5 minutes late into the parking lot making me 10 minutes late by the time I got the laptop fired up.  (I was able to turn all of my components around while Windows booted – thanks to whomever keeps rearranging my desk!)  Got all the kids to school and managed to get here with my coffee and all other needed items!  Stay tuned for next weeks hi-jinks as I attempt to work from the office TWICE!

I love paper.

I love paper, I always have.

It’s a weird obsession that I think started when I was in grammar school. I always loved to pick out my notebooks and folders and pencils! Even in college I always went overboard on supplies. In fact, I still have notebooks, journals, folders and such that I bought while in college sitting in a box under the stairs.

I’ve never been good at keeping a daily journal but I have notebooks full of schoolwork, poems, random thoughts, scribbles… whatever was in my head at the time all over the place (and of course I have a several blog pages).   Then there was a lull… no one was in school and I didn’t have the extra cash or a good reason to buy any wonderful notebooks or crayons or anything.

But then…  I had kids!!! What a bonus! It wasn’t long before I could again buy coloring books and crayons and then markers and poster board, doodle-pads, construction paper, origami paper, journals, diaries with little locks and all number of wonderful paper products. As my kids got older the school supply lists got longer and I always complained about why they needed so much stuff and why do they need a separate color for each class and whatever. But secretly I love it! I love finding matching notebooks, folders and binders. I love picking out pencils and pencil cases! I love the little pocket dictionaries! I love making cool little name labels for all their stuff and sticking them all over everything (though they are getting too old for that now — but soon the twins will need Mommy to label all their stuff!) 

We just went school supply shopping tonight and even though I am tired out from running all day with the twins I am still in a good mood.  This year I even found little tiny composition notebooks! I found Austin a matching DC Comics notebook and folder and I found a cool graphic arts\tattoo set for Katey (even though she insisted she didn’t need any notebooks).  My kids don’t seem to like it as much as I remember enjoying it… more importantly they don’t seem to notice (or care) that at the end of school shopping each year there’s always a few extra notebooks, folders, pencils, pens, etc. that get ‘put up’ in case they are needed later or well…. maybe Mom can use that extra stuff for work.   I know it’s a bizarre compulsion but it’s one I’m not yet inclined to curb! Besides, it fits in nicely with my magazine addiction and my bibliophilia!

P.S.  If you were wondering… I ended up with some wonderful colored paper, a green notebook, a couple folders,  some extra pens, pencils and a highlighter and a cute little composition notebook!

Friday is good…

It’s a good day. I got up early, got to work on time and I’m not exhausted! I was a little disgusted at having to brush the snow off my car but that passed. I am ready for spring tho!

On a different topic…. I took my son to school and his teacher was walking in at the same time he was. He saw her and went running with a big smile on his face. I think I actually felt a pang of jealousy, for lack of a better word. Is that a normal Mom response? It felt weird. Guess I’ll have to contemplate that…

Financial news… my tax refund has been depleted. I’m a broke ass mo-fo. Oh, well.

I’m in such a rare mood this morning I might actually do some work! (Don’t tell my boss!)

more sucky depressed writing

The Rise and Fall of My Heart

I was in awe of him
I was proud to be his
I counted myself luckiest of women
I loved him with all that I was
Then she called
Then the dream ended
He ripped my heart from my chest
He threw it down on the ground
He stomped on it like a small fire
He put me out til I was none but ash
Then I cried and cried
Then I died inside

Copyright ©2005 Cassandra Franck